FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

by Goobie / 01/15/2010 at 2:24am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a bar a woman of about 40 came up to me and asked me to dance, and being only 20 I thought I had met the perfect "cougar" for a one night stand. After a few up-beat dances, a slower song came on and we continued to dance. She started sobbing and claimed I was the son she never had. FML

by indiansbaseball4 / 01/14/2010 at 3:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

by bs_happens / 01/11/2010 at 10:28am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

by Hugh_Jankles / 01/08/2010 at 1:48pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

by Flooded / 01/07/2010 at 1:38pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

by nomorepetbird / 01/05/2010 at 10:30pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

by PJ / 01/05/2010 at 9:06am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2010 at 12:00am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

by Lisa / 01/02/2010 at 2:02am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

by pottypattypeepants / 12/31/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

by kte / 12/30/2009 at 5:36am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

by mylifesucks22 / 12/29/2009 at 1:01am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

by KittyNeko / 12/28/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Texas) / Love