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FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

#2037920
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47505) - you deserved it (9735)

On 05/18/2009 at 12:17am - misc - by oops (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

#2005903
227 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28414) - you deserved it (85099)

On 05/17/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by Ohshit (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, while biking I got into a major crash with two cars. The cars were parked. FML

#1982205
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10843) - you deserved it (51337)

On 05/16/2009 at 2:44pm - misc - by Pokerking98 - United States (Texas)

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

#1979778
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48554) - you deserved it (3163)

On 05/16/2009 at 1:34pm - misc - by uglyguy252 (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

#1933415
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41631) - you deserved it (14807)

On 05/14/2009 at 3:47pm - misc - by shrimp41 (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

#1922061
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36259) - you deserved it (4601)

On 05/14/2009 at 2:07am - misc - by Badnewca (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

#1918683
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57589) - you deserved it (6844)

On 05/13/2009 at 9:45pm - kids - by chelserusera (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

#1893907
352 comments

I agree, your life sucks (82146) - you deserved it (4483)

On 05/13/2009 at 1:11am - misc - by chaos2007 - United States (Texas)

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

#1864532
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56039) - you deserved it (2722)

On 05/12/2009 at 1:25am - misc - by TheJoker (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

#1847078
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42111) - you deserved it (2620)

On 05/11/2009 at 4:37pm - health - by anon (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

Today, I treated myself to a spa day at home. First, I decided to do a hot oil treatment on my hair. I was leaning over the saucepan of oil on the stove when it flared up in my face. On the bright side, I no longer have to worry about plucking my eyebrows. FML

#1800001
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17133) - you deserved it (47342)

On 05/10/2009 at 12:48am - misc - by torchy (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

#1723493
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21677) - you deserved it (53405)

On 05/07/2009 at 5:10pm - work - by jobless (woman) - United States (Texas)



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