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FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML

#5978415
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35084) - you deserved it (14027)

On 10/24/2009 at 6:24pm - misc - by fmlifetime (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML

#5938772
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18988) - you deserved it (6223)

On 10/22/2009 at 12:07am - intimacy - by ItsFunnyNow (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

#5921538
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7433) - you deserved it (53937)

On 10/20/2009 at 10:15pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

#5877463
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49259) - you deserved it (4991)

On 10/18/2009 at 11:32am - misc - by omgwtf (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

#5876012
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16456) - you deserved it (33798)

On 10/18/2009 at 7:30am - misc - by cheat - United States (Texas)

Today, I learned that my car alarm only goes off if the car is unlocked a bit forcibly. Doesn't make a sound when some prick breaks the window out in the middle of the night to steal my cd player. FML

#5848483
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27646) - you deserved it (1903)

On 10/16/2009 at 5:23am - misc - by Hardsleeper - United States (Texas)

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

#5824297
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30092) - you deserved it (2091)

On 10/14/2009 at 12:37am - misc - by kidneystoner - United States (Texas)

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

#5781865
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25624) - you deserved it (2881)

On 10/11/2009 at 7:30pm - misc - by washed (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

#5737045
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28180) - you deserved it (6684)

On 10/09/2009 at 8:29am - health - by StillDrowsy (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

#5721325
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38189) - you deserved it (3951)

On 10/08/2009 at 1:31pm - love - by Rage (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

#5707882
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27043) - you deserved it (5240)

On 10/07/2009 at 6:36pm - work - by loverofstrife (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

#5698254
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24476) - you deserved it (11571)

On 10/07/2009 at 3:57am - animals - by ScaryOldMan (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

#5607614
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50009) - you deserved it (2529)

On 10/02/2009 at 5:31pm - work - by Rae (woman) - United States (Texas)



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