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FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I was sprinting to the bus stop trying to beat the bus. It pulled next to me and honked, startling me off the edge of the road. My foot slipped, I went tumbling, roadrashing my leg. The bus driver stopped, opened the door, and yelled "I was just letting you know this is a training bus." FML

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

#4264438
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6126) - you deserved it (54699)

On 08/03/2009 at 8:32pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

#4235904
278 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63128) - you deserved it (5109)

On 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm - health - by theregoesmyspermcount (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

#4225104
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38431) - you deserved it (5153)

On 08/02/2009 at 4:39am - misc - by epicfail (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

#4203827
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17185) - you deserved it (58125)

On 08/01/2009 at 9:44am - intimacy - by homewrecker (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

#4191218
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54408) - you deserved it (10994)

On 07/31/2009 at 8:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

#4181864
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40640) - you deserved it (7161)

On 07/31/2009 at 1:21pm - misc - by Soaked (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

#4158714
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46102) - you deserved it (4048)

On 07/30/2009 at 11:21am - intimacy - by thesockmancometh (man) - United States (Texas) - moderated by the Jackass crew

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

#4155124
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21799) - you deserved it (53776)

On 07/30/2009 at 5:23am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas) - moderated by the Jackass crew

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

#4096653
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41436) - you deserved it (5701)

On 07/28/2009 at 12:47am - health - by crazymirrors (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

#4079911
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57065) - you deserved it (4301)

On 07/27/2009 at 1:36pm - intimacy - by imatool (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

#4052154
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41665) - you deserved it (16005)

On 07/26/2009 at 11:16am - love - by JennaMarie (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was at the movies. All of a sudden, the woman next to me starts laughing uncontrollably and talking to her friend during the movie. This continued throughout the movie, ruining it. I turned and whispered to my friend. The woman then taps me on the shoulder and yells, "Shut the fuck up!" FML



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