FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

by Heartbroken / 06/19/2011 at 10:17pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML

by Username / 06/19/2011 at 2:08pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

by Scholar / 06/16/2011 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

by / 06/16/2011 at 10:43am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

by :( / 06/14/2011 at 2:06pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

by patrickalamo / 06/14/2011 at 10:23am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn't shed a single tear at her grandmother's funeral. FML

by mk / 06/14/2011 at 2:08am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

by Jenievonteese / 06/12/2011 at 7:33pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

by Apple / 06/12/2011 at 1:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

by mbesameh / 06/11/2011 at 2:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

by anonymous / 06/09/2011 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

by Patrick R / 06/09/2011 at 12:01pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

by grant b / 06/09/2011 at 12:06am / United States (Texas) / Work