FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

by me / 02/04/2012 at 2:40pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

by Jayde / 02/04/2012 at 12:12am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

by xX_nsn_Xx / 02/03/2012 at 9:47am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

by coleslaw / 02/03/2012 at 12:25am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

by kb / 02/01/2012 at 12:06am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

by robert / 01/30/2012 at 7:20pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2012 at 11:18pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

by Allergic / 01/24/2012 at 12:31pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is so low. FML

by FML / 01/18/2012 at 2:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2012 at 12:05am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

by potatoes / 01/16/2012 at 10:16pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

by 2gewd4u / 01/14/2012 at 8:24pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

by Julez / 01/14/2012 at 11:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous