FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

by ReallyBro / 03/21/2012 at 3:27am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

by argh / 03/20/2012 at 4:16am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my dog back from my aunt. Rather than taking him to an actual groomer, I gave him to my aunt because she needed a few extra bucks. My generosity lost me $35, and gave my dog ticks and a bad haircut. FML

by tickdog / 03/18/2012 at 11:09pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

by unendowed / 03/17/2012 at 10:11pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got threatened with a gun through the drive thru speaker because I didn't offer some guy any pies to go with his meal. FML

by CDeVeney92 / 03/17/2012 at 12:37am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2012 at 2:02am / United States (Texas) / Kids

 Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

by missgayle319 / 03/15/2012 at 3:53am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2012 at 12:08pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

by Wow / 03/13/2012 at 12:38am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

by h4rdy / 03/09/2012 at 11:55am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

by cfaul001 / 02/29/2012 at 12:41pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

by Jessica / 02/28/2012 at 2:38pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

by JeffeeBojangles / 02/28/2012 at 7:46am / United States (Texas) / Animals