FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I met my brother for the first time in 20 years. Everything was going great, until he tried to make out with me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2012 at 4:13pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2012 at 9:03pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

by Jedi2500 / 02/15/2012 at 6:53pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

by cieee / 02/13/2012 at 2:09am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

by Ihaveaheadache / 02/09/2012 at 12:37am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

by Unhelpful / 02/06/2012 at 11:27pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

by me / 02/04/2012 at 2:40pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

by Jayde / 02/04/2012 at 12:12am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML

by xX_nsn_Xx / 02/03/2012 at 9:47am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

by coleslaw / 02/03/2012 at 12:25am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

by kb / 02/01/2012 at 12:06am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

by robert / 01/30/2012 at 7:20pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2012 at 11:18pm / United States (Texas) / Kids