FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

by skidmark / 12/08/2011 at 9:48am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

by dulllife / 12/08/2011 at 2:30am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

by brando2k5 / 12/06/2011 at 12:05am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

by LucklessNiceGuy / 12/05/2011 at 2:22am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2011 at 7:40pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no he said "I figured." and giggled. FML

by memoryloss / 12/04/2011 at 2:04am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2011 at 1:15am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

by bgoodwin07 / 11/29/2011 at 8:31am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

by MB / 11/28/2011 at 1:30am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2011 at 10:03pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML

by wow / 11/27/2011 at 8:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

by Matthew / 11/26/2011 at 9:33pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

by Rich / 11/26/2011 at 3:50pm / United States (Texas) / Love