FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

by That guy / 08/08/2016 at 11:45am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML

by snazz23 / 08/05/2016 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

by DisgustingCreatures / 08/04/2016 at 2:53pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

by aurelj1 / 08/03/2016 at 3:59pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

by shikushiku / 08/02/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

by TheVagabond_SRG / 08/02/2016 at 2:46am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML

by holluphollup / 08/01/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

by Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater / 07/15/2016 at 4:27pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2016 at 12:22am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

by Bestbirthday / 07/11/2016 at 9:04pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2016 at 5:02pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

by Seeyounarabish / 07/10/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was driving with my little brother when out of nowhere he yelled at me to stop. Thinking it was urgent, I slammed my breaks, almost getting rammed from behind. Why did he yell for me to stop? The Pokémon GO said there was a sparrow near us. FML

by PurplePanda_1927 / 07/07/2016 at 10:26pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.