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FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

#21342258
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27006) - you deserved it (2633)

On 01/22/2015 at 1:27pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

#21339980
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35410) - you deserved it (5294)

On 01/19/2015 at 12:35am - intimacy - by anon - United States (Texas)

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

#21339043
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22702) - you deserved it (9428)

On 01/17/2015 at 5:30pm - animals - by bad luck Bianca - United States (Texas)

Today, my mom paid me a surprise visit me at my university dorm. She ended up rifling through my stuff and started to pull out a box from on top of my wardrobe. Before I could stop her, it slipped and fell. Today's forecast: 100% chance of dildo rain. FML

#21338507
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31783) - you deserved it (4517)

On 01/16/2015 at 8:41pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

#21336949
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31902) - you deserved it (7234)

On 01/14/2015 at 12:35pm - love - by ihateeverything (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

#21334215
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26244) - you deserved it (1915)

On 01/09/2015 at 10:41pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

#21334154
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28776) - you deserved it (8836)

On 01/09/2015 at 9:13pm - intimacy - by anon (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

#21326846
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27362) - you deserved it (2751)

On 12/29/2014 at 11:17pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

#21325871
168 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40276) - you deserved it (2984)

On 12/28/2014 at 1:41pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

#21325320
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32640) - you deserved it (2620)

On 12/27/2014 at 2:14pm - love - by is_that_right (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

#21324253
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28490) - you deserved it (3502)

On 12/25/2014 at 8:24pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

#21323929
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31084) - you deserved it (2356)

On 12/25/2014 at 11:36am - kids - by BowTiesAr3Cool - United States (Texas)

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

#21323895
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31437) - you deserved it (2409)

On 12/25/2014 at 10:25am - work - by CalebNotShomo - United States (Texas)



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