FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

by ZAnon / 02/06/2015 at 2:06am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was talking to my friend in Spanish because he understands it better than English. We were in the middle of a discussion about a TV show when some guy from our school ran up, spat on my shoes and screamed, "I SPEAK SPANISH, STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" and ran away. FML

by marigoldcobain / 02/04/2015 at 6:11pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

by februarymarchapril / 02/03/2015 at 10:45pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2015 at 10:08am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2015 at 12:38am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2015 at 7:19pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 2:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

by nosexforthee / 01/23/2015 at 2:25pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2015 at 1:27pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

by anon / 01/19/2015 at 12:35am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

by bad luck Bianca / 01/17/2015 at 5:30pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

by ihateeverything / 01/14/2015 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2015 at 10:41pm / United States (Texas) / Animals