FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2015 at 1:27pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

by anon / 01/19/2015 at 12:35am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

by bad luck Bianca / 01/17/2015 at 5:30pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

by ihateeverything / 01/14/2015 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2015 at 10:41pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

by anon / 01/09/2015 at 9:13pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2014 at 11:17pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2014 at 1:41pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

by is_that_right / 12/27/2014 at 2:14pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2014 at 8:24pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

by BowTiesAr3Cool / 12/25/2014 at 11:36am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

by CalebNotShomo / 12/25/2014 at 10:25am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML

by wowdadreally / 12/23/2014 at 3:46pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous