FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

by waiting till marriage, she said / 06/10/2015 at 11:28am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I saw someone accidentally leave their headlights on downtown. Trying to be a helpful, I chased them down 2 blocks only to be informed that their headlights automatically turn off. FML

by TheGolfGTI / 06/10/2015 at 3:08am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

by onionrings / 06/07/2015 at 8:53pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

by cockblockedbyFB / 06/06/2015 at 9:01am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

by Anonymous / 06/05/2015 at 2:05pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

by dump truck hater / 06/03/2015 at 12:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

by Anonymous / 06/02/2015 at 11:23am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2015 at 3:28am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

by smartass / 05/29/2015 at 10:31pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2015 at 10:52pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

by what even / 05/14/2015 at 6:17pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2015 at 2:50pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

by Bonnie and Clyde / 05/07/2015 at 10:18pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy