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FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I was walking down the street when a "homeless" man asked for money. I gave him a dollar and he got up and called his friend on an iPhone. FML

#20879472
166 comments

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

#20877295
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44353) - you deserved it (7251)

On 09/11/2013 at 5:35pm - work - by natattack - United States (Texas)

Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML

#20875969
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56328) - you deserved it (3252)

On 09/10/2013 at 5:41pm - health - by Iskylite (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

#20874571
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53607) - you deserved it (6215)

On 09/09/2013 at 4:16pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I realized that I have a rack and butt most girls would be jealous of. That wouldn't be bad if I wasn't a dude. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "condoms are too expensive." FML

#20864490
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49963) - you deserved it (5699)

On 09/02/2013 at 1:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

#20864109
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53995) - you deserved it (6880)

On 09/02/2013 at 2:49am - intimacy - by Kiddo (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my mom mentioned how she loves certain actor's "British" accent. I couldn't help but mention that there's no such thing, and that there are lots of different accents in Britain. She got pissed and lectured me for "lying" to her and trying to make her feel stupid. FML

#20863518
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30267) - you deserved it (18092)

On 09/01/2013 at 6:35pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, a shopper asked me where my nipples were. Seeing as I work in Babies'R'Us, this is a common question. I brought her over to the nursing equipment aisle where she then grabbed my nipples, gave them a twist, and walked away. I need a new job. FML

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

#20862659
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41653) - you deserved it (5141)

On 09/01/2013 at 1:06am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

#20860701
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45323) - you deserved it (5725)

On 08/30/2013 at 6:56pm - love - by >_< (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was told that the $500 I'm owed for babysitting isn't going to happen. Why? Because after six months of watching a friend's six children, she's moved 120 miles away and no longer needs me. FML

Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

#20856004
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36010) - you deserved it (4026)

On 08/27/2013 at 12:36am - kids - by Parenting... (woman) - United States (Texas)



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