FMLs submitted from Texas

Today, I was the first guy ever to give my girlfriend an orgasm. I was also the first guy to make her poop at the same time. FML

by WinnerWinnerNotEatingDinner / 11/16/2015 at 1:44am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

by Potted / 11/15/2015 at 9:34pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2015 at 11:44pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

by Darth Spasticus / 11/14/2015 at 4:12am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, while changing the litter in the cat box, the brand new carton ripped open, spilling all twelve pounds of cat litter over my kitchen floor. Both cats promptly rushed over and began frantically urinating all over it. FML

by misfitunfit / 11/10/2015 at 8:24pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

by thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad / 11/10/2015 at 3:46pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML

by jellenwood / 11/07/2015 at 8:12am / United States (Texas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

by dirtytoes / 11/06/2015 at 9:27am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

by GoldenSteve / 11/05/2015 at 10:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

by 2pale / 11/01/2015 at 1:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

by whythebunny / 10/30/2015 at 2:56pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to celebrate our 4-year anniversary with a shadow box I had made for her of our memories over the years. I left her house single, with a small bag of "breakup candy." FML

by zeeman2015 / 10/27/2015 at 9:32am / United States (Texas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2015 at 7:46pm / United States (Texas) / Health