FMLs submitted from Pennsylvania

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

by Oh_baby / 06/10/2009 at 1:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my friends house. It was dark and downpouring so I couldnt see as I was backing out of his driveway. I made it out, but then my phone went off, scaring me, and I accidentally hit the gas pedal, hitting his neighbor's parked car. Turns out he called to warn me to watch out for it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/08/2009 at 9:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

by Jebus / 06/07/2009 at 4:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, at the local swimming pool, my friend and I noticed two cute guys had just arrived. When they jumped in, we immediately took off our tank tops and got in the opposite end. They looked over at us, then looked at each other, got out of the pool and left. FML

by yumx24 / 05/30/2009 at 9:45am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

by waterproblem / 05/27/2009 at 7:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2009 at 6:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2009 at 10:55am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2009 at 8:43am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

by stillhungry / 05/22/2009 at 7:25pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 8:20pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my boss came storming towards me, screaming just how tired she is with my constant bullshit. Already pissed off, I retorted that she's a bitch and should go lose some pounds. Turns out she was talking to her husband on her bluetooth headset. FML

by unemployed / 05/21/2009 at 3:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

by pa / 05/21/2009 at 9:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous