FMLs submitted from Pennsylvania

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

by still poor / 12/05/2014 at 1:17am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML

by Ruinedchristmas / 11/28/2014 at 1:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML

by mainlineloser / 11/28/2014 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

by UsuallyaUnicornbread / 11/26/2014 at 4:01pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2014 at 7:11pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

by bees / 10/09/2014 at 2:51am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML

by thenegatives / 10/08/2014 at 9:12pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I found out that the only girl who's ever called me cute or handsome is actually a compulsive liar. FML

by compulsiveliarssaytheylikeme / 09/17/2014 at 9:37pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/15/2014 at 11:51am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

by retromermaid / 09/09/2014 at 8:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML

by byebyeromance / 08/25/2014 at 9:03pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

by Anonymous / 08/22/2014 at 2:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 5:35pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work