FMLs submitted from Oxfordshire

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

by fuckmuppet / 05/27/2014 at 1:04pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Health

Today, I was quite drunk so I decided to take a piss kneeling down, so I wouldn't miss. I dropped the toilet seat on my little soldier. FML

by Cian_1 / 11/25/2013 at 6:22am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2013 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

by names suck and so do I / 08/08/2013 at 8:54am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Love

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

by reallythough / 04/13/2013 at 2:07pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

by Annoyed Student / 04/09/2013 at 7:09pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Work

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2012 at 3:18pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Intimacy

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

by frustrated / 06/29/2011 at 8:59am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Work

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

by jordeshting / 06/22/2011 at 11:28am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

by MissTrix / 10/28/2010 at 8:58pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Geek

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

by calli / 12/25/2009 at 4:21pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Work

Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML

by teepee / 11/13/2009 at 10:53am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

by Ulysse / 01/01/2009 at 2:09pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Geek