FMLs submitted from Oregon

Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

by thisisavirus.exe / 12/31/2013 at 3:57pm / United States (Oregon) / Love

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2013 at 2:52am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out about my co-workers' new game. Whoever talks to me first loses. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

by john doe / 12/07/2013 at 12:29pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, my mother posted a video of me giving birth, on Facebook. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2013 at 3:23am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

by AFSDALK:AFSDQWE / 11/23/2013 at 1:33pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was offered a job that pays far more than I expected, being a high school senior. My parents decided they aren't letting me take the job, saying I should enjoy my childhood. They're also not paying for my college, which is why I was looking for work in the first place. FML

by Remy / 11/16/2013 at 6:39pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my grandma has been running around the neighborhood, dressed as Bobo the Evil Clown, chasing trick-or-treaters. All I've been able to do is chase after her, and apologize to the terrified children's families. FML

by bobosgonnagetyou / 11/01/2013 at 2:04am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2013 at 3:13am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I can't afford to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years, as we split the rent. I'll need a second job just to get out of my bad relationship. FML

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2013 at 12:23pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

by Abcporn / 09/25/2013 at 7:22pm / United States (Oregon) / Work