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FMLs submitted from Oregon

Today, my son said his first word. Unfortunately, that word was "cock." I've tried convincing myself that he's trying to say "clock" but I just can't do it. FML

#21225778
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38702) - you deserved it (6705)

On 07/31/2014 at 12:24pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Oregon)

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

#21218609
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40064) - you deserved it (4515)

On 07/23/2014 at 7:16pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

#21212029
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42205) - you deserved it (4002)

On 07/17/2014 at 4:48pm - love - by toonice - United States (Oregon)

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

#21210956
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55745) - you deserved it (4143)

On 07/16/2014 at 4:09pm - love - by betrayed (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

#21209954
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39111) - you deserved it (7600)

On 07/15/2014 at 6:04pm - work - by mister_pinky (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

#21206318
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44239) - you deserved it (8279)

On 07/11/2014 at 7:38pm - animals - by and god shat (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

#21202372
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41463) - you deserved it (2996)

On 07/08/2014 at 12:26am - work - by MaddyN - United States (Oregon)

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

#21188726
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45430) - you deserved it (5104)

On 06/26/2014 at 12:57am - animals - by Pisser (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

#21168914
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38610) - you deserved it (6419)

On 06/09/2014 at 10:46pm - misc - by Where is it coming from?! (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

#21164174
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21176) - you deserved it (37902)

On 06/05/2014 at 6:23pm - misc - by charitableidiot (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

#21101616
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53624) - you deserved it (6832)

On 04/01/2014 at 2:06am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, a bee flew into my classroom and landed on my cheek. Not only am I allergic to these things, I was hit in the face with a textbook to "make sure it's dead." FML

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

#21097210
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39528) - you deserved it (3004)

On 03/26/2014 at 7:44pm - animals - by In urgent need of a new roommate - United States (Oregon)



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