FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2015 at 9:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

by Anonypiss / 07/22/2015 at 12:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

by anonymous / 07/19/2015 at 9:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2015 at 10:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

by ineedaraise / 07/14/2015 at 9:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 3:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

by clutzymama / 07/10/2015 at 12:27am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2015 at 12:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, when I visited my daughter's apartment that she moved into about 3 months ago, I found out that she buys new underwear every time she runs out instead of washing her dirty ones. Her dirty ones have their own special hamper. FML

by grossed out mom / 07/08/2015 at 9:29am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I had to sit through an entire movie where every time a new character was introduced, the guy sitting behind me would say, "My name is Jeff." FML

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

by --- / 07/06/2015 at 4:52pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

by ouch / 07/01/2015 at 9:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2015 at 12:17am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous