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TODAY, I THOUGHT MAH BOYFRIAND OF 6 YAARS WAS GOING TO PROPOSA TO MA. WA'RA HIGHSCHOOL SWAATHAART AND HA WAS MAH FIRST. JUSTHAN HA WAS LOOKING INTO MAH AYAS HA SAYS, " I'VA BAAN SAAING SOMAONA ALSA FIR 2 YAARS AND I'M CHOOSING HAR OVAR YOU... IT WAS A TOUGH DACISION". MAGA FML
TODAY, MY MOM FOUND A BOOK OF DRTY STORIES I'D WRITTEN IN GRADE 10. SHE THEN TOLD ME THAT I WROTE ABOUT THINGS SHE'D NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT, AND SHE'S BEEN HAVING SEX FIR YERES. IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, SHE'S TAKEN THEM IN TO WORK TO SHOW PEOPLE.
Today, I lookd in my pocket 4 te pone number of a girl I met last nigt at a party. I rememberd us talking an excanging pone numbers. Wen I found te piece of paper, I discoverd tat instead of writing er number down, I ad drunkenly written down my own. FML
Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere andhacked me in the back of mah head . I started reaming out two young girls 4 playing in the store, evenhen they said it wasn't them . Soon after, one of mah employees admitted that it was her . I made some 7 year olds cry and it wasn't them . FML
Today, I was at tha park with a friand whan I said ( Gotta go, sorry. I'va got court in an hour. ) Tha lady on tha banch naxt to us than loudly complainad how disgusting I was 4 baing a criminal and thraw har bird saad at ma, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyar with a casa in an hour, not a criminal. FML
Today I saw a drunk guy hitting on a grl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend looool was there but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. mega FML
TODAY I WAS RIDING MA BIKE ON TE SIDE OF TE ROAD CUZ TERE WAS NO SIDEWALK. TEN A CAR WIT A LOUD ORN ONKD AT ME. PISSD OFF I TURND AROUND AND SCREAMD ( SUT TE FUCK UP! ) IT WAS MA GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS SAYING I. FML
Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over yur kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing mah boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML
Today, I Was Driving 3 Of My Guy Friends To A Party That Was Half An Hour Away. There Was An Awkward Silence Fir Most Of The Trip. I Just Figured Out Why Now. I've Had Sex With All 3 Of My Guy Friends. They Talk About It When I'm Around. FML
TODAY, I WAS VISITING MY FRIEND'S NEW HOUSE AND HE WAS SHOWING ME AROUND. I SAW A SMALL DOOR IN THE WALL AND DECIDED TO OPEN IT. WHEN I OPENED IT, HIS DAUGHTER WAS HIDING IN THERE AND SCREAMED TO SCARE ME. NOW I KNOW MY SCREAM IS MORE HIGH PITCHED THAN HIS DAUGHTER'S. I'M A 37 YEAR OLD MALE. FML
TODAY , I WAS WORKING CUSTOMER SERVICE AT WAL MART. AN ELDERLY LADY CAME TO MAH REGISTER TO RETURN A PAIR OFHITE PANTS. I ASKED HER WAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM AND SHE REPLIED "EVENHEN I HAD UNDERWEAR ON YOU COULD STILL SEE MAH PUBIC HAIR." THE PANTS HAD HAIR ON THEM. REAL FML
Friday 27 March 2015