FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

by rioght onnn / 05/20/2011 at 3:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

by Fatty / 05/16/2011 at 10:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I found out that my grandma has been sending me birthday money every year. My mom just steals it before I ever see it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2011 at 7:40am / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

by vaalcrawford / 05/11/2011 at 12:59am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, in the subway, a man ran up to me, grabbed me, and starting hugging me. He wouldn't stop hugging me, and his grip was too tight. I don't know what's worst, basically being harassed, or not being able to remember the last time I was hugged. FML

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

by lawl / 05/07/2011 at 9:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2011 at 1:58am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

by in_pain / 05/06/2011 at 7:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2011 at 4:19am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

by Wtf / 04/29/2011 at 12:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

by Ouch / 04/25/2011 at 3:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

by bobo / 04/23/2011 at 9:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, the landlord of our building constructed a bathroom in the space under the stairs, outside my office, on the other side of a thin wall. He must have some kind of bowel disorder, because now I get to hear the sounds of his loud, wet and gassy pooping several times per day. FML

by op-poopy / 04/22/2011 at 10:26am / Canada (Ontario) / Work