FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

by crinitis / 01/28/2016 at 11:05am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

by soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass / 01/23/2016 at 2:49am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

by Garfield / 01/20/2016 at 11:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

by TheNewSalesRep / 01/20/2016 at 9:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

by meh beard / 01/18/2016 at 6:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2016 at 11:41am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2016 at 12:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

by AccidentalFlasher / 01/07/2016 at 9:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, after waiting in front of a washroom stall for 20 minutes to take a dump, I finally realized that the "person" in the stall was just a pair of shoes. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2015 at 10:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 11:54am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, after 3 years of hard work, very little vacation and no raises, our boss got us a crappy box of drug store cookies as an employee appreciation gift. Which he ended up eating. FML

by itsthebestdayoftheyear / 12/22/2015 at 7:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

by ehcanadianeh / 12/13/2015 at 3:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation