FMLs submitted from Ontario

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

by lukas / 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

by rain1 / 01/05/2014 at 9:54pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2014 at 6:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2013 at 1:06am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided to pay him to do one of me. Being a caricature, I looked pretty monstrous in it. When I showed it to my mum later, she shuddered and said, "Yeah, looks just like you." FML

by ;_; / 12/19/2013 at 5:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

by bf / 12/18/2013 at 9:59pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

by Well this Is Awkward / 12/17/2013 at 3:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

by confsused / 12/16/2013 at 12:49pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2013 at 2:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

by religiunatic / 12/13/2013 at 12:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, while on my way to work, an elderly woman complimented me on my breast cancer scarf. I explained that my grandmother made one for all her female grandchildren before passing away two years ago. The woman then went psycho and almost strangled me in an attempt to steal it. FML

by Whackgourd / 12/11/2013 at 1:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

by feiedbutter / 12/07/2013 at 9:55am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my friend's dog got hit by a car. I was the only one not in shock, and had to drag the poor thing off the road, then comfort a hysterical friend while the driver verbally abused us and demanded we pay for the repairs to his car. FML