FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 12:59am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

by VCDUDE11FTW / 12/25/2014 at 4:13am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

by evil Santa / 12/24/2014 at 10:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

by Unknown / 12/23/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

by anyoldnamewilldo / 12/11/2014 at 11:10am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

by notmycircus / 12/02/2014 at 12:30am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

by justawallflower / 11/29/2014 at 9:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

by college student / 11/23/2014 at 1:22pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2014 at 7:04pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

by mouthwash / 11/11/2014 at 12:05am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

by NoJobNovember / 11/06/2014 at 2:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2014 at 2:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

by bottombarrel / 10/28/2014 at 10:07am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous