FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

by No thank you / 02/04/2015 at 3:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

by StantheMan93 / 02/02/2015 at 6:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2015 at 12:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

by licensed_ginger / 01/08/2015 at 1:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML

by TaddM21 / 01/01/2015 at 10:18pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 12:59am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

by VCDUDE11FTW / 12/25/2014 at 4:13am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

by evil Santa / 12/24/2014 at 10:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

by Unknown / 12/23/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

by anyoldnamewilldo / 12/11/2014 at 11:10am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

by notmycircus / 12/02/2014 at 12:30am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

by justawallflower / 11/29/2014 at 9:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

by college student / 11/23/2014 at 1:22pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous