FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, I baked some brownies and after my mom ate one, I joked that I put weed in them. Turns out the placebo effect's a bitch, because she quickly started acting high as a kite. One bitch fit later, the brownies are in the trash and I'm grounded until I tell her where I bought the "weed". FML

by mother teresa was a cunt / 09/17/2015 at 10:54am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML

by EverettA / 09/11/2015 at 9:50am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I've been seeing bought me a nice bottle of wine and cooked dinner for me. Later, we started having sex for the first time. All was going well until he ran to the bathroom mid-sex and I had to listen to him with explosive diarrhea. The worst part is, he wanted to keep going after. FML

by westie732 / 09/09/2015 at 10:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 3:10pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2015 at 10:16pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, the girl I've loved for years kissed me. Then she started crying and wiping her mouth, and had a panic attack. I had to help her through it, tell her that it was no big deal, and that it would never happen again. FML

by TheDenmarkian / 08/04/2015 at 5:40pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML

by Application / 07/28/2015 at 4:44pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I was hanging out with my neighbor. He asked me if I wanted to play Twister, and I said no because I thought it would be weird. What was his response? "C'mon. You can leave if it gets sexual". FML

Today, I finally got up the courage to quit my first job. I spent hours determining the most professional way; the method, and the wording I would use. In the middle of the phone call, my manager hung up on me. FML

by anniemonkat / 07/13/2015 at 2:22am / United States (Ohio) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

by don't get paid enough for this / 07/10/2015 at 10:20pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

by okaydisarray / 07/03/2015 at 10:31pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, after helping run salads and bread to a table, they demanded I do something about the bug problem. I would've been more understanding if they hadn't chosen to sit outside. FML

by smokecloud_ / 07/02/2015 at 2:40am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2015 at 11:00am / United States (Ohio) / Work