FMLs submitted from Ohio

Today, I spent ten minutes looking for my cell phone in the dark, only to realize the light I was using was my cell phone's. FML

by unaware / 09/19/2012 at 12:14am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML

Today, I listened to my roommate and her friend struggle with their math homework for an hour. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm a math major and repeatedly offered my help. They'd rather fail math than be around me. FML

by foreveralone.jpg / 08/29/2012 at 4:51pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2012 at 1:15pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

by guy / 07/29/2012 at 11:24pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

by Nikki / 07/27/2012 at 9:45am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 5:25am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

by Carrie G. / 07/26/2012 at 8:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

by Jarman / 07/26/2012 at 1:39am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

by Taylor / 07/20/2012 at 2:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML

by anonymous / 07/14/2012 at 1:06am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my power finally came back on. I excitedly went and spent $100 to refill my fridge, only to come back home and discover the power is out again, and might not be back on for another three days. FML

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a diet coke?" FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2012 at 3:10pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous