FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to see me and told me that he had a surprise for me. I was excited at the idea of a romantic gesture, but forgot about it until he arrived and things began heating up. As I was removing his pants, I said, "Ooh, you shaved!" to which he replied, "Surprise!" FML

by mirandale / 07/02/2015 at 1:53am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

by Greattitan2 / 06/29/2015 at 4:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

by anonynous / 06/27/2015 at 11:01am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

by UkuleleTime / 06/23/2015 at 4:07am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2015 at 10:12am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

by VHBJ / 06/16/2015 at 12:13pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

by thanks for the $5 gift voucher / 06/13/2015 at 12:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

by UkuleleTime / 06/10/2015 at 1:25am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

by Kurda / 05/22/2015 at 10:26pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML

by Vexatious / 05/22/2015 at 12:27pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after a big presentation, people sent an open invitation to dinner. When I asked which restaurant and what time, I was told that I wasn't invited. I've been here for three years. FML

by spitt / 05/12/2015 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML

by guitarki / 04/26/2015 at 2:49pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while walking down the street, a cute guy approached me. We ended up having some drinks then heading back to his place and hooked up. Afterwards, I used the bathroom, and when I came out, he was going through his wallet and asked me how much he owed me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2015 at 6:05pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy