FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2011 at 6:20am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

by Anonymous / 02/25/2011 at 9:53am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2011 at 10:15am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

by afafakfhsg / 02/18/2011 at 7:19pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2011 at 12:31am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

by floggingnasty / 02/13/2011 at 6:38am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

by joxerthemighty39 / 01/31/2011 at 10:11pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

by ihateoldmagazines / 01/27/2011 at 4:31pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my ex boyfriend apologized for being a jerk to me and threatening our relationship. When he was done, he asked if his apology earned him enough points for a blowjob. FML

by IHateDumbExs / 01/21/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2011 at 10:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2011 at 9:38am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2011 at 11:04pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 3:55pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy