FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

by wtf dad / 03/02/2012 at 9:24pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

by smellybelly / 03/02/2012 at 1:26am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

by parkertownparadise / 02/16/2012 at 2:43am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2012 at 11:52pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

by foxyreegan / 02/04/2012 at 12:22am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

by givingup / 01/30/2012 at 12:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I noticed a man in my neighborhood waving at me. I don't talk to him often so I excitedly waved back. Turns out he was trying to warn me of the car about to hit me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2012 at 9:17am / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

by geeklove / 01/15/2012 at 10:30pm / United States (North Carolina) / Geek

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

by kellb123 / 12/17/2011 at 7:19pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

by wideawakeandinpain / 12/17/2011 at 6:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

by LogicalMolly / 12/13/2011 at 12:16am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

by wow / 12/11/2011 at 8:37pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2011 at 12:23am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy