FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

by Ralph / 04/03/2012 at 11:02pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2012 at 10:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML

by Alyssa / 03/31/2012 at 2:53pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2012 at 11:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

by wtf dad / 03/02/2012 at 9:24pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years old. FML

by smellybelly / 03/02/2012 at 1:26am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

by parkertownparadise / 02/16/2012 at 2:43am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2012 at 11:52pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

by foxyreegan / 02/04/2012 at 12:22am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

by givingup / 01/30/2012 at 12:37am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I noticed a man in my neighborhood waving at me. I don't talk to him often so I excitedly waved back. Turns out he was trying to warn me of the car about to hit me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2012 at 9:17am / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

by geeklove / 01/15/2012 at 10:30pm / United States (North Carolina) / Geek

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

by kellb123 / 12/17/2011 at 7:19pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work