FMLs submitted from North Carolina

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

by sqquish / 03/01/2016 at 1:48pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

by leahrb / 02/24/2016 at 1:55pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to console my bawling 6-year-old son and explain that his sister was lying when she told him that when boys in our family turn 13, they turn into girls. I'm not sure who disappoints me more right now. FML

by jts / 02/20/2016 at 4:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML

by headinabag33 / 02/14/2016 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2016 at 8:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2016 at 10:24pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2016 at 8:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

by Alex / 02/05/2016 at 5:55pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I flipped out with happiness over the new Barbies. I want to buy one. I'm almost 26. FML

by barbieissocute / 01/31/2016 at 10:27pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

by anonymous / 01/25/2016 at 9:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, the guy I'm dating took me to a dinner party at a couple's house. Halfway through dinner, I realized they were having the dinner party for the sole purpose of introducing him to their recently single daughter. FML

by Angel / 01/13/2016 at 8:56am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I saw an elderly woman drop $20 while shopping. Trying to be a good samaritan, I picked it up and tried to hand it back to her. She accused me of stealing it and beat me with her purse. The manager had to fend her off me. FML

by LittleGina / 01/07/2016 at 12:42pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

by feelin a lil left out / 01/01/2016 at 3:35am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous