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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I was working as a waitress at this pub. It was dead. After 4 hours I had only made 5$ in tips. A friendly couple came in and complimented EVERYTHING down to the freshness of the lemons in their tea. The bill came to $50. They left me a $5 gift card to starbucks. I don't drink coffee. FML

#2501090
287 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43642) - you deserved it (6937)

On 06/01/2009 at 2:49pm - misc - by Kitty (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

#2496205
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58213) - you deserved it (6723)

On 06/01/2009 at 10:06am - intimacy - by TeeJay (man) - United States (New York)

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

#2459150
200 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22991) - you deserved it (75861)

On 05/31/2009 at 8:03am - misc - by deucelututi - United States (New York)

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

#2451149
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48497) - you deserved it (2348)

On 05/31/2009 at 12:06am - work - by unemployed (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

#2445222
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11322) - you deserved it (63361)

On 05/30/2009 at 9:13pm - misc - by jazzyfizzle (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

#2401782
243 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59904) - you deserved it (13452)

On 05/29/2009 at 1:52pm - intimacy - by FMLFMLFMLFML (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

#2398293
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46261) - you deserved it (4345)

On 05/29/2009 at 9:54am - misc - by roark0806 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

#2387828
244 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61510) - you deserved it (5025)

On 05/28/2009 at 9:32pm - misc - by Jeanine (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my cell phone service was interrupted because I owed the company 27 cents. It cost 36 dollars to reinstate my service. FML

#2373894
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42110) - you deserved it (10006)

On 05/28/2009 at 2:17pm - money - by Princess (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

#2364469
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52436) - you deserved it (2983)

On 05/28/2009 at 1:04am - health - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

#2336807
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38269) - you deserved it (5266)

On 05/27/2009 at 7:44am - misc - by GodDamnFan (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

#2321503
854 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34290) - you deserved it (256674)

On 05/26/2009 at 8:22pm - misc - by Jerrrr (man) - United States (New York)



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