FMLs submitted from New York

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

by wardsl195 / 12/30/2015 at 12:55am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 1:23pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

by forever damaged / 12/20/2015 at 11:24pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

by Sleeping Beauty / 12/19/2015 at 2:20pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

by ConfusedGirl / 12/15/2015 at 8:03am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2015 at 10:23pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2015 at 12:32am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

by ilovekids? / 12/11/2015 at 9:05pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

by WeightonmyShoulders / 12/11/2015 at 4:10pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2015 at 11:34am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2015 at 10:28am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

by clkoko / 11/26/2015 at 9:47pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

by ashamed / 11/25/2015 at 10:50am / United States (New York) / Kids