FMLs submitted from New York

Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was watching adult videos in my apartment. I'm deaf, so I didn't realize my volume was at full blast until I put my hand over the speaker. FML

by weeping_angel_ / 07/12/2014 at 10:00am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

by notacashier / 07/03/2014 at 8:29am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

by whoops / 06/29/2014 at 4:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2014 at 12:34pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

by forever alone / 06/19/2014 at 6:26pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

by me / 06/14/2014 at 11:28am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

by ldrik1 / 06/11/2014 at 4:36pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

by idiotson / 06/10/2014 at 8:39pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

by fartbucket51995129565 / 06/10/2014 at 2:29pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

by wo-ow / 06/06/2014 at 7:09pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

by mathesonn / 05/29/2014 at 7:32pm / United States (New York) / Work