FMLs submitted from New York

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

by ugh / 11/24/2014 at 7:40am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2014 at 10:47am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

by dwood08 / 11/06/2014 at 8:55pm / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

by thedudeman14 / 11/05/2014 at 5:21pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2014 at 11:44am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

by hardwarekit / 10/31/2014 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

by anonymous / 10/23/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep on the couch. My parents didn't wake me up, went to bed and set our burglar alarm. If I trip a motion sensor, a siren will go off. The motion sensor in my living room is pointed directly at me and I have to pee. It's been 2 hours. FML

by anonymous / 10/21/2014 at 10:11pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of job hunting, I started a new job in a deli. I've been a vegetarian since I was 13, but it was the only job I could find. Turns out, I'm allergic to the preservatives they use, as my fingers now resemble sausages. Guess it's time to start job hunting again. FML

by NateTheGreat132 / 10/20/2014 at 7:59am / United States (New York) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2014 at 9:23pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

by shatfjord / 10/10/2014 at 6:34pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

by JulietMarie / 10/10/2014 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my loving five-year-old daughter started singing Christmas carols again. Ones that she made up herself, of course. Including "Walking in a fucking wonderland" and "Rudolph the red nosed asshole". FML

by SaintGoobers / 10/06/2014 at 4:24pm / United States (New York) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.