FMLs submitted from New York

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2016 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML

by codyolimason / 06/08/2016 at 4:36pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

by oh no / 06/06/2016 at 11:45am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

by Loki16 / 06/02/2016 at 4:40am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, during a layover between two flights, I managed to catch a shower. Too bad it was ginger ale and not water. FML

by theamazingd / 06/01/2016 at 4:31pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 12:38pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

by Ban Hammered / 05/25/2016 at 6:35am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I went on a date with my long time crush of three years. Everything was going great, until I found out he supports Donald Trump. FML

by anon / 05/10/2016 at 9:30pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

by dempasi / 05/06/2016 at 2:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, a boy kissed me for the first time. He then blocked me on Facebook. FML

by RandomJam124 / 05/04/2016 at 5:33pm / United States (New York) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

by ImilkedYourMom / 05/03/2016 at 9:31am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

by sam.exe / 04/29/2016 at 3:26pm / United States (New York) / Work