FMLs submitted from New South Wales

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

by clayton / 07/27/2012 at 8:30pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

by arghgffhdfg / 07/14/2012 at 8:22pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

by Julie is in pain / 07/06/2012 at 1:11pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

by Nick / 06/29/2012 at 5:39pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

by meeks123 / 06/20/2012 at 1:03am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML

by rosabelle91 / 06/17/2012 at 10:58am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML

by ouch / 06/14/2012 at 7:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

by Rebecca / 06/13/2012 at 7:50pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "F*ck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

by perfectman / 06/12/2012 at 6:34am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2012 at 10:19am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the fake me got more birthday greetings than the real me. FML

by TheL1nds / 05/26/2012 at 5:17am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

by Karate Kid / 05/25/2012 at 2:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2012 at 7:44am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous