FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2014 at 5:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

by Zach Got Robbed / 01/08/2014 at 6:02pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2013 at 6:19pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

by dr immature / 12/23/2013 at 6:11pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

by zamwow / 12/20/2013 at 6:36pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

by OuchImAMoron / 11/28/2013 at 9:05pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

by awkwardencounters / 11/12/2013 at 6:18am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my brother and I got into an intense argument that ended up with us trading blows and having the cops called on us. Apparently I was "insulting his intelligence" by trying to explain that you don't make buttermilk by putting butter in milk. He's 18. FML

by davincidasecond / 11/05/2013 at 12:59am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

by UnfortunatelyAmusing / 11/04/2013 at 7:25pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2013 at 7:46pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2013 at 4:56pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2013 at 6:43pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous