FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

by Excalibur6669 / 12/30/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2014 at 3:02pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML

by AquaKelly / 12/23/2014 at 8:48pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

by ai_lauren / 12/18/2014 at 11:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I asked my spouse to help me apply some hemorrhoid relief cream, since I couldn't see what was going on down there clearly. Next time, I hope I'll remember if I'm still in a conference call with my online classmates so they don't witness the whole thing again. FML

by Heyjai / 12/16/2014 at 9:31am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wife and I are about to move across the country when the landlord for our new house called and said a water line busted and flooded the house. The movers are coming tomorrow. FML

by BFons / 12/14/2014 at 9:07pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

by driven_crazy / 12/12/2014 at 2:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2014 at 4:14pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, while fasting for a medical test, my blood sugar became so low that I had heart palpitations and passed out. My doctor's advice? Fast, so he can run more tests. FML

by fucking moron / 12/09/2014 at 4:39am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2014 at 8:07am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2014 at 11:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

by anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 10:33pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

by naladetet / 11/23/2014 at 3:31am / United States (New Jersey) / Work