FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

by negromancer / 07/10/2009 at 9:08pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2009 at 8:19pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

by WaitingByThePhone / 07/09/2009 at 1:36am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML

by ssnickel / 07/07/2009 at 5:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2009 at 3:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

by spitballer1 / 07/06/2009 at 12:54pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I went over to get some ice cream. I found a rare parking spot in front of the store, and even had change in my pocket. After feeding the meter, A lady comes up to me and tells me that the meter was free after 8 o'clock. I paid 50 cents for it. I was 50 cents short for my ice cream. FML

by icecreamer / 07/06/2009 at 12:03am / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

by Regina / 07/03/2009 at 2:19am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I was home alone in the shower when in the opening of the curtain, I could see a man in a ski mask. I passed out, hit my head on the tub. I then found out it was my dad pulling a prank on me. I almost died cause my dad wanted to see me scream like a girl. FML

by dfan13 / 07/01/2009 at 12:31pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

by wowzersthatsucks / 06/29/2009 at 1:31pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

by YahItsMe94 / 06/25/2009 at 3:20am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

by wastedlove / 06/23/2009 at 11:14am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the grocery store getting bananas and there was this real hot guy next to me. He said, "Hey beautiful" so I smiled. He then asked if I was free on Friday night. I smiled and said, "Yes, why do you ask?" He looked up from the bananas and pointed to the bluetooth in his ear. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2009 at 3:50pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love