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FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

#873540
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15271) - you deserved it (74493)

On 04/08/2009 at 4:34pm - misc - by UGH (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

#814621
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53139) - you deserved it (7937)

On 04/05/2009 at 10:12am - misc - by Vac (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

#774931
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (163078) - you deserved it (26529)

On 04/02/2009 at 10:33pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

#771918
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56278) - you deserved it (4636)

On 04/02/2009 at 7:12pm - misc - by happyeffingbday202 (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

#721624
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68607) - you deserved it (21473)

On 03/31/2009 at 9:48am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

#709735
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (105511) - you deserved it (7798)

On 03/30/2009 at 8:06pm - intimacy - by Jenny (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

#662645
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27511) - you deserved it (77452)

On 03/28/2009 at 2:50pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

#579815
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14967) - you deserved it (71036)

On 03/24/2009 at 5:08pm - misc - by Prometheus (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my friend and i thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

#508489
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49931) - you deserved it (34319)

On 03/21/2009 at 12:11pm - misc - by emilyxoxoxo - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

#492068
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55196) - you deserved it (7656)

On 03/20/2009 at 4:40pm - misc - by noname (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

#488336
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73616) - you deserved it (8441)

On 03/20/2009 at 12:45pm - misc - by Nick (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

#461201
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (138293) - you deserved it (8554)

On 03/19/2009 at 3:40am - intimacy - by cmerr (woman) - United States (New Jersey)



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