FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

by notgay / 06/21/2015 at 2:04am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

by Eyebrowless / 06/06/2015 at 12:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

by sad and hungry / 06/06/2015 at 10:37am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

by broke and hungry / 05/30/2015 at 2:53pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

by that was mine / 05/15/2015 at 6:26pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

by Muralove / 05/13/2015 at 10:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Geek

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

by NevertheKool / 05/07/2015 at 5:43pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

by Random737193 / 05/07/2015 at 3:52pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

by Malíya / 05/04/2015 at 5:02pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2015 at 1:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2015 at 9:16am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I asked my classmate to look over my essay. His comments were longer than the essay itself. FML

by englishornah / 04/22/2015 at 10:53pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to class to take an important final for which I studied all week long and worked hard in class. Today, the teacher also told us that anyone who had an A did not have to take the final. I missed out on a trip to the Bahamas for this. FML