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FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

#21002747
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20923) - you deserved it (43373)

On 12/23/2013 at 6:11pm - work - by dr immature (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

#20999459
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53072) - you deserved it (7915)

On 12/20/2013 at 6:36pm - intimacy - by zamwow (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

#20974086
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40709) - you deserved it (41285)

On 11/28/2013 at 9:05pm - misc - by OuchImAMoron (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my boyfriend took me home for the first time. His place was covered in Insane Clown Posse stuff, even the toilet bowl. He's an undercover Juggalo. FML

#20958067
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38015) - you deserved it (4248)

On 11/14/2013 at 10:08pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

#20954898
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21381) - you deserved it (44296)

On 11/12/2013 at 6:18am - love - by awkwardencounters - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my brother and I got into an intense argument that ended up with us trading blows and having the cops called on us. Apparently I was "insulting his intelligence" by trying to explain that you don't make buttermilk by putting butter in milk. He's 18. FML

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

#20945549
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42111) - you deserved it (7756)

On 11/04/2013 at 7:25pm - intimacy - by UnfortunatelyAmusing (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

#20936013
250 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64651) - you deserved it (8561)

On 10/27/2013 at 7:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

#20890415
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35314) - you deserved it (10786)

On 09/21/2013 at 4:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was at a coffee shop, when a middle-aged guy called me a "two-timing whore", dumped his coffee on me and walked out in tears. I'm 14 and I have no idea who he was. FML

#20878614
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55937) - you deserved it (3451)

On 09/12/2013 at 6:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. -Mom and Dad." FML

#20874309
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55699) - you deserved it (23211)

On 09/09/2013 at 11:15am - intimacy - by anon (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

#20857902
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64782) - you deserved it (3887)

On 08/28/2013 at 1:47pm - love - by still together (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my boyfriend and I are on camping vacation. On my way out of the tent, I stepped in a pile of shit. When I told him, he said, "Oh, I couldn't make it to the bathroom last night." The bathroom was a minute walk from our tent. FML



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