FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 7:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

by Failsafe / 05/09/2016 at 10:35am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

by wearingashirtatthepool / 05/08/2016 at 8:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

by send the army please / 05/02/2016 at 2:51am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, as I was taking a shower, I felt something run down my back. Assuming it was water, I lathered up my loofah and scrubbed my back with it, only to hear a gross crunching sound. I pulled back my loofah to see a smushed, twitching cockroach that I had smeared on my back. FML

by kittywings / 04/28/2016 at 9:14pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

by Whyme? / 04/27/2016 at 10:39pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my drug dealer was the only one who wished me a happy birthday. FML

by boipucci / 04/21/2016 at 9:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML

by BenFiggy / 04/21/2016 at 9:28am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

by Anonymous / 04/08/2016 at 5:01pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I filed a client's tax return. His refunds alone were more than my gross annual salary. FML

by Calluna / 03/08/2016 at 10:26am / United States (New Jersey) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML

by kayla53 / 02/29/2016 at 11:17am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2016 at 4:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been calling my pet snake "Mr. Snake" for two years now. I decided to look up the name, and boy do I regret it. It turns out Mr. Snake is a porn site. I've named my snake after porn and have been introducing him to family with that name for two years. FML

by GeeLoftus / 01/31/2016 at 2:32pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals