FMLs submitted from New Jersey

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

by awkward / 09/26/2016 at 5:31pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

by Clumsy / 09/08/2016 at 8:06am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

by anonymous / 09/04/2016 at 6:12pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

by JTinNJ / 08/27/2016 at 7:57am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

by young and dumb / 08/27/2016 at 2:27am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

by BadLuckBetty / 08/09/2016 at 7:33am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

by Funyearahead / 08/08/2016 at 8:44am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

by manderz? / 08/02/2016 at 8:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

by Anonymous / 07/23/2016 at 2:36pm / United States (New Jersey) / Money

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

by Looking4ajob / 07/18/2016 at 11:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

by jaqlove / 07/02/2016 at 4:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite hentai character. FML

by titmeister / 06/28/2016 at 12:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

by dammitRandy / 06/19/2016 at 1:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health