FMLs submitted from New Hampshire

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

by Hooty / 09/02/2015 at 5:52pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

by RiceCrispyTreats / 09/01/2015 at 12:46pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 9:26am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

by blondebarbie271 / 07/26/2015 at 7:55pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

by TheDarth / 07/16/2015 at 6:47pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

by Boneo and Juliet / 07/16/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

by Distracted / 04/09/2015 at 4:11pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

by no, YOU raised him / 04/03/2015 at 5:15pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

by toe / 02/02/2015 at 10:14pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2015 at 8:24pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend bought a new toaster. It not only pops up the bread when done, it also beeps loudly. It makes me scream in terror every single time. My boyfriend has now vowed to "Toast 'til the end of time." It's going to be a long year. FML

by sayhey22 / 01/09/2015 at 10:33am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

by scoold / 12/21/2014 at 5:02pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, my son was crying because he's afraid he might get Ebola. We live in Maine, and he's 16. FML

by MainePains / 10/10/2014 at 7:27pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.