FMLs submitted from Nevada

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

by sarahmaxine / 05/09/2015 at 12:10am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2015 at 4:02pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2015 at 10:08pm / United States (Nevada) / Animals

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2015 at 5:52am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning because I had the symptoms and my detector was going off. I called the fire dept, they checked me, they checked my apartment. My apartment is fine; I'm just out of shape, have high blood pressure, and don't know how to work simple electronics. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2015 at 12:12am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, a model I've been working on for an art competition was declined. They thought I was being insensitive and "rudely glorifying 9/11". My model was about the ending scene of King Kong. I spent twenty hours on that model. FML

by Swatted / 02/17/2015 at 1:39am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

by Investing in Toilet Seatbelts / 02/14/2015 at 4:46am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, my science teacher decided not to recommend me for an honors science class for next year. The reason? Last week, I made the mistake of asking whether spray tans give vitamins in the same way as the sun. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2015 at 10:53pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend when I began dozing off. I was then awoken by an explosive fart. It was me. FML

by Halcyon_Sancta / 01/19/2015 at 8:05am / United States (Nevada) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2015 at 2:18am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my 40th birthday. I got two presents by mail: a jar of wrinkle cream from a market research company, and an ad from a funeral home. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2015 at 5:46pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

by mikki bee / 12/30/2014 at 12:24pm / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2014 at 2:19am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous