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FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

#19352166
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22024) - you deserved it (5289)

On 03/26/2012 at 4:56pm - intimacy - by JC (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was out with my dog, who loves to bury things. He had recently torn apart his toy and buried it in the sand. I saw a piece of it sticking out of the ground, so I picked it up. It turns out that I was not holding his toy, but rather a dead bat. FML

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

#19268637
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10274) - you deserved it (21599)

On 03/13/2012 at 12:03am - health - by pagvscgrac - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to a Mexican restaurant with my family. I got stuck trying to decide whether I should get the fajitas or the tacos. I ended up getting the tacos because I didn't want the fajitas to come in sizzling, and I didn't want to "make a scene". My social anxiety has hit a new low. FML

#19211416
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20268) - you deserved it (5431)

On 03/03/2012 at 10:09pm - misc - by mexicandelicacy (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

#19166851
228 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17200) - you deserved it (29527)

On 02/26/2012 at 10:31am - work - by Miss_Kristen - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

#18916870
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19749) - you deserved it (6108)

On 01/26/2012 at 4:05pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

#18858383
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27298) - you deserved it (8403)

On 01/20/2012 at 12:02am - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I dropped my 7-year-old son off at school. He decided to have fun and step out of my car screaming "Stranger danger" while running away and pointing at me. I then had to get out of my car to shut the door he'd left wide open. This caused 20 other kids to scream "Stranger danger" as well. FML

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

#18524767
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29897) - you deserved it (6013)

On 12/16/2011 at 12:30am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

#18499950
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23087) - you deserved it (5013)

On 12/13/2011 at 12:14am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

#18404973
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40058) - you deserved it (9443)

On 12/01/2011 at 5:25pm - intimacy - by pops up - United States (Missouri)

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

#18379052
302 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42698) - you deserved it (4482)

On 11/28/2011 at 8:33pm - love - by hot_shot (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

#18355886
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15621) - you deserved it (27634)

On 11/26/2011 at 11:52am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)



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