FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I told my boyfriend that it's time for him to stop blaming others and own up to his mistakes. He retorted, "Don't blame me!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2014 at 3:25am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

by MotherMary / 10/12/2014 at 9:21am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

by HarleyDavison / 10/05/2014 at 2:44pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2014 at 3:44pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

by MLeguillon / 09/01/2014 at 12:34am / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

by SCARRED / 08/29/2014 at 4:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

by Alisterine / 08/24/2014 at 1:31pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, as I was on the couch taking a nap, it started violently shaking. I panicked and chased my family outside, convinced it was an earthquake. It was just the cat trapped inside the couch. FML

by murrrrf / 07/21/2014 at 1:30am / United States (Missouri) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2014 at 7:35am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2014 at 9:02pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

by fredfredburger / 06/25/2014 at 1:45pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I lost my dog while hiking. After searching the trails for an hour and a half, he was by the car. FML

by Razi_tail / 06/25/2014 at 12:13am / United States (Missouri) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started a new internship. I couldn't do anything until I was trained, and I couldn't be trained until I had a login. I stared at a wall for three hours. FML

by Anonymous / 06/23/2014 at 6:59pm / United States (Missouri) / Work