FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2015 at 1:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

by thisiswhyimsingle / 09/14/2015 at 1:17am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

by Doesn't Matter Had Sex / 09/08/2015 at 10:37pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

by I hate games / 08/18/2015 at 4:17pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

by anonymous / 08/04/2015 at 4:56pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was working at a bakery, a woman stormed in, cut in front of the line, and began yelling at me. She claimed I didn't give her a sandwich earlier and demanded a refund. She got the refund out of my paycheck, and as she was leaving she muttered, "Ha, works every time." FML

by jb100 / 07/24/2015 at 4:08pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

by lesousterre / 07/15/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

by breadcrumb / 07/06/2015 at 2:03am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2015 at 10:04pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

by shmarf / 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

by CassidyQueen / 06/05/2015 at 10:14pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for x-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML

by roadie42 / 05/24/2015 at 11:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

by I'm just sick, really / 05/01/2015 at 8:33pm / United States (Missouri) / Health