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FMLs submitted from Missouri

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

#206263
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26569) - you deserved it (41533)

On 03/04/2009 at 12:42pm - misc - by Señor Guapo (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

#196936
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49980) - you deserved it (39491)

On 03/03/2009 at 4:27pm - kids - by Fat Dad (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

#192617
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42986) - you deserved it (5376)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by lucy (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

#152273
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45119) - you deserved it (13552)

On 02/27/2009 at 12:43pm - misc - by wwasmer (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

#142795
241 comments

I agree, your life sucks (253086) - you deserved it (59801)

On 02/26/2009 at 12:57pm - intimacy - by Picaresque (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

#75881
21 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34296) - you deserved it (6725)

On 02/19/2009 at 2:36am - health - by fatass (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

#71498
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33237) - you deserved it (5278)

On 02/18/2009 at 7:55pm - intimacy - by happyasaclam (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to a plastic surgeon's office with a friend. The doctor walked in and before he could look at the consult papers, he started explaining the lipo suction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him and tell him that I was only there for support for my friend's nose job. FML

#61582
16 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41300) - you deserved it (5002)

On 02/17/2009 at 4:53pm - health - by tigerfiend (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

#48381
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43281) - you deserved it (9513)

On 02/15/2009 at 7:33pm - intimacy - by Noname - United States (Missouri)

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

#43166
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33419) - you deserved it (4725)

On 02/14/2009 at 6:19pm - misc - by MLS (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

#30969
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39519) - you deserved it (1878)

On 02/12/2009 at 12:19pm - misc - by Johnny on the Spot (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

#9051
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55114) - you deserved it (8243)

On 02/05/2009 at 2:57am - intimacy - by Barrel - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

#4601
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29240) - you deserved it (3058)

On 02/01/2009 at 9:41am - work - by sportskidguru - United States (Missouri)



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